5 Horrors That Could Actually Use A Reboot

In the recent years we've seen remakes and announcements for remakes of classic movies that we all love and ultimately feel never truly needed the touchups. Among these were the three horror titans, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th and Halloween. Were they good? Well, two out of three ain't bad, right? Were they really actually needed? Hell no.

Don't get me wrong, I love Rob Zombie and have been a fan since White Zombie and I feel he's a fantastic...everything, really. But it's undeniable a reboot for quite possibly the scariest, most creepiest horror icon wasn't really necessary, nor did it really seem to bring the chills and feels of the original.

That being said, I figured it couldn't hurt to do a shameless little list about some movies I feel could actually use a realistic reboot due to not achieving their full potential and/or just being done (by the opinion of some audiences) wrong. And here we go...

1) Dolly Dearest: 

Nyuk! nyuk! nyuk!

Back in 1992, after Child's Play had recently released its sequel, there was a lesser known killer doll type movie, "Dolly Dearest", which was about an ancient evil spirit that possesses a little girl's doll. While it isn't the best doll movie out there, it has certainly garnered a bit of a cult following and I can completely understand why. It's a pretty solid movie and even with its somewhat scattered direction, it's very enjoyable. And with recent movies like Dead Silence, I'm more than confident this movie could find itself getting a proper polishing and maybe even a nudge into truly sinister territory.

2) Boogeyman:

If you haven't seen the movie, this douche is what you spent over an hour waiting to see. You're welcome.

I actually get a little bit depressed at times talking about this one. Like, here's a perfect example of a movie that had all its ducks in a row, ready to be brought together in an epically climactic ending...only, instead of the perfect tie-together of an ending, somebody apparently decided to just take a shit on the assembly line and let it all run off onto the floor. This was definitely a let down of M. Night proportions.

Honestly, I feel this one deserves a second chance only because it was so close to being an instant rainy day classic just before it was plucked from the sweet grace of horror movie awesomeness by what can only be considered as Hollywood jackoffery.

3) Screamers:

Ladies and gentlemen...Peter Fucking Weller. Good night...

When I was a kid, this was one of my go-to movies when I was in a Sci-Fi mood. It was mildly gory, had pretty decent action and Peter Weller (of Robocop and Naked Lunch fame). The best part about it is it's relatively unknown enough to be able to go through a reboot and not piss too many people off, while at the same time has enough of a core platform to jump from that even the most substance depraved directors (read Michael Bay) could do what they do best (blow shit up) and still keep a good deal of the film's integrity intact. Seriously, they remade TOTAL RECALL, but left this gem to rot. I call shenanigans!!

4) The Relic:

No screenies for this one.

Talk about a diamond in the rough, this is a movie that I would have to categorize as "much better than most give credit". I would also have to work on my category naming skills, apparently, but nonetheless... This was a fun movie with a fun premise. An ancient behemoth is accidentally set loose within a museum. Bodies pile up as a mystery slowly unravels. Was an awesome movie then and with an iota of effort can be an awesome movie now that was actually worth the second chance.

5) Resident Evil:

Should have been "Resident Milla"...jus' sayin'.

This entry is at best hit or miss, but in all fairness, it wasn't exactly the easiest thing for me to put down, but here goes...

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one with serious mixed feelings about this entire movie franchise. On one hand, it covers the basics like any video game movie typically does -- characters, locations, monsters, etc. But on the other hand, it takes such a dire liberty with the story that it doesn't so much feel like Resident Evil anymore as it does a Milla Jovavich sci-fi movie with coincidental characters, locations, monsters, etc.

Let's call this for what it was; Paul W. S. Anderson (the guy that brought us Mortal Kombat, one of the best video game movies EVER and Soldier) wanted to put his hot wife in a movie and make said movie about her whilst stringing together the original intent with distracting filler material like cg and pyrotechnics. And while there's nothing wrong with that, per se, it does, in the long run, alienate fans of whatever base material it is that ends up being butchered. And I get that you can't please all the fans, but you can fuck over a lot of them by copping-out and moving on.

I don't care what anyone says; this series belongs in the same category as AvP when it comes to movie adaptations. Sorry, try again...

Bonus: Coincidentally, here's a vid recently uploaded by YouTuber and game reviewer stanburdman that I feel can apply to not just the games, but in a way, the movies as well. Merely an opinion, but nonetheless, enjoy.

Slither Review

Slither (2006)
Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Rooker
Dir: James Gunn

Every so often, there comes a movie that tackles the important issues in life: love, romance, infidelity, infectious alien parasites, etc... Yes, today we're looking at the sci-fi horror comedy, Slither. Cue the music!

Slither takes place in the quiet Midwest. It's just your average mountain town where nothing out of the ordinary really ever happens. Then again, a meteor plummeting to the earth and touching down with the force of a ballistic missile isn't exactly normal, but nobody seemed to notice, so I guess we can just skip that part, right?

Well, anyway, life goes on as usual in town. The people wander the streets. Bored cops take their naps.  Hot Mrs. Grant (Elizabeth Banks) does her teaching thing whilst being hot. Like I said, normal stuff. But things take a turn for the worse when after a little taste of some bedroom rejection Mr. Grant (Michael Rooker) decides to take a walk to the bar where he runs into a dirty little dish named Brenda. Of course at this time, he's thinking with little Grant (oh yeah, his name is Grant Grant...kinda like Mario Mario or Ricky Ricardo) and they end up heading out to the woods. This is when Grant pays the ultimate price for trying to get some trim on the side when they're secret session is interrupted by the discovery of what looks like a big fleshy pod in the dirt (courtesy of that meteor from earlier).

 But, before this goes any further, let's take a quiz: When you find something strange and scary looking in the forest, what's the first thing you should do?
Jabbity, jabbity, jab-jab-jab!

--If your answer was "poke it with a stick and see what happens", then you won the grand prize. What is it?  Well, it definitely ain't candy...--

But seriously, I'm pretty sure we all know where this is going, right? Grant takes one to the chest and from then on, things get kicked up a notch. I'm talking alien belly rape, giant slug parasites, hive mind pseudo-zombie action, and more. And here's where we put the clever segue to...

What I liked: This movie has a lot of the elements that make for a good horror: well-played story, enjoyable characters, gore and great special effects. And not to give too much away, but the ambush scene with mutant Grant was definitely my favorite.

What I didn't like: Despite a pretty rocking cast and a storyline that blends Night of the Creeps with a touch of Dawn of the Dead (the remake, at least), Slither is really just that: nothing truly original. Don't get me wrong, I loved this movie, but at times it just felt like a reinventing of the wheel.

In a nutshell: I really enjoyed Slither. It's a movie for all generations of horror lovers This one definitely has a style that could appeal to almost anybody. It does have a few flaws, but ultimately it's a great movie that keeps you interested from start to finish.

"Anyone wanna play 'I Spy'?"