All Cheerleaders Die Review

All Cheerleaders Die (2013)

Starring: Caitlin Stasey, Sianoa Smit-McPhee, Brook Butler
Directed by: Lucky McKee, Chris Sivertson

I don't know about you, but I'm usually pretty open about the movies I watch. I mean, I have to be, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this, right? Anyway, All Cheerleaders Die I originally heard about through a podcast from (I'd suggest you check them out, Mark and Jerry are pretty awesome and fun to listen to) and decided it couldn't hurt to give it a try. I'm not saying I was wrong, but this movie was a bit difficult to make it through.

The story is about revenge as when the head cheerleader dies, her friend decides to join the squad and get back at the captain of the football team and the rest of the squad for disrespecting her before her body has even had a chance to cool. Unfortunately, an accident triggers supernatural events that lead the girls in a slightly different direction.

Right from the beginning, this movie draws you in with a nice bone-crunching cheerleader death (because cheerleading is fucking dangerous enough as it is). I found myself losing interest quickly when soon after Maddy (Caitlin Stasey) joins the squad, there is an accident which kills all the cheerleaders, leaving lone faux-goth Leena (Sianoa Smit-McPhee) to resurrect them using witchcraft. The CG in this scene and pretty much every other scene that follows seriously gives this movie a 2002 feel, which with the advancements that have been made over the years, I found somewhat insulting. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with going a bit retro, but these effects were just terrible.

Making up for the horrible effects was the fact that, well, the cheerleaders are kinda hot. Especially racoon-eyed, faux-goth Leena (see: their comeback scene in the high school). Did I say "making up for"? I meant "Trying to make up for" as aside from a few make-out scenes between a couple of the ladies, there's really nothing else going on here besides some decent eye candy. At the least, the acting was okay, albeit annoying at times as the girls are pretty much now a pack of super hormone charged wraiths with a touch of 90's Wishing Troll action. The main antagonist of the film, Terry (Tom Williamson) basically spent the whole movie being a pompous dick. I'm talking a "black marker penis on the forehead" one-dimensional cock smear of a character. There was nothing likable about him, which is sad because even antagonists should have some sort of charisma factor. There is a plot twist involving him and one of the cheerleaders that felt a bit forced into the movie to add tension. It really only added frustration.

Most of the movie takes place either in the high school or in the woods, with occasional short scenes at various girls' houses. Nothing about this movie rang "scary", "creepy" or really even "funny". Even the kill scenes are pretty much a letdown, possibly barring their first kill. In a way, you could compare it to the proverbial train wreck one just can't look away from, no matter how hard it hurts. Really, the best scenes in the film don't come until the very end when the only real conflict happens. There is a really big twist right before the end credits that leaves the movie open for a part two that actually could have some potential, but given what we have now, I don't know if I really even care. All Cheerleaders Die is a movie I wouldn't recommend unless you're really bored or plan to turn this hour and a half of bad acting into a drinking game. If you're looking for a more interesting movie involving a hot "high school" girl who comes back from the dead, Jennifer's Body is a much better choice.



Special Effects

Overall Rating: Lightly Bandaged

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